How to Make Jam!

INGREDIENTS

• 500 grams roast capsicum, chopped
• 500 grams strawberries
• 500 grams red chillis
• 250 grams white chocolate chips
• 500 grams milk chocolate chips
• 750 grams dark chocolate chips
• 500 millilitres sweet chilli sauce
• 100 millilitres lemon juice
• 500 millilitres champagne
• 1 kilo sugar

METHOD

1. Melt the chocolate in separate bowls. Divide the dark chocolate in half.
2. Mix the sweet chilli sauce, lemon juice, champagne, sugar and half the melted dark chocolate together
3. Swirl the remaining melted chocolate together on a tray and refrigerate until set.
4. When the chocolate is set, bash it with a hammer into small pieces.
5. Mix the chocolate, chilli, capsicum and strawberries into the sweet chilli sauce mixture. Boil.
6. Refrigerate the mixture overnight.
7. Strain the mixture and boil. Refrigerate overnight.
8. Repeat step 7 and bottle into sterilised jars.

INGREDIENTS

• 500 grams mandarin segments
• 500 grams pineapple
• 500 grams coconut
• 500 grams marshmallows
• 500 grams sugar
• 2 cups sour cream
• 250 grams strawberries
• 250 grams cherries
• 1 litre champagne

METHOD

1. Mix the sugar and 1/4 of the sour cream.
2. Mix the mandarin, pineapple, coconut, marshmallows, strawberries and cherries in to the sugar and sour cream. Refrigerate overnight.
3. Boil the mixture and refrigerate for 3-4 hours.
4. Boil the mixture and strain.
5. Add 1/4 of the champagne to the mixture. Boil.
6. Refrigerate overnight.
7. Boil the mixture and strain.
8. Add 1/2 cup of sour cream and 500 millilitres of champagne. Refrigerate for 3-4 hours.
9. Boil the mixture and strain. Add the remaining sour cream and champagne.
10. Refrigerate overnight.
11. Boil mixture and bottle into sterilised jars.

INGREDIENTS

• 500 millilitres rosewater
• 500 grams peeled Pink Lady apples, cubed
• 500 grams peeled blood plums, quartered
• 500 grams potatos, peeled and chopped
• 1 kilo sugar
• 500 millilitres champagne
• 500 millilitres orange blossom water
• 1 teaspoon hoisin sauce
• Gelatine

METHOD

1.  Mix the gelatine, half the champagne, half the rosewater, half the orange blossom water, half the sugar and hoisin sauce. Boil.
2. Take the mixture off the stove and leave in fridge overnight.
3. The mixture should now be jelly-like in consistency. Mix the remaining champagne, rosewater, orange blossom water and sugar together and mix into the jelly. Boil.
4. Mix the apples, potatos and plums into the mixture. Boil and refrigerate overnight.
5. Take mixture out of fridge and boil. Bottle into sterilised jars.

INGREDIENTS:

• 500 grams strawberries
• 500 grams raspberries
• 500 grams blackberries
• 500 grams blueberries
• 1 kilo sugar
• 275 millilitres gin
• 75 millilitres vermouth
• 100 grams olives

METHOD:

1. Cut the stalks off the strawberries and slice thinly. Slice olives
2. Mix all ingredients in large pot. Boil.
3. Bottle in sterilised jars.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 kilo blackberries
• 5 firm avocados
• 500 grams oranges
• 500 grams carrot
• 1 kilo sugar
• 500 millilitres whisky
• 500 millilitres brandy
• 750 millilitres champagne
• One tablespoon tomato sauce
• 1 cup Worstershire sauce
• 1 cup soy sauce

METHOD:

1. Slice avocados into cubes, removing skin and the stone. Peel oranges and slice into cubes. Slice skin and pith into small pieces. Peel carrot and slice and quarter.
2. Put blackberries, avocado, orange, carrot, half of the sugar and tomato sauce in bowl. Mix thoroughly so that everything is coated in sugar and tomato sauce.
3. Mix the rest of the sugar, whisky, brandy, champagne, Worstershire sauce, soy sauce and orange skin and pith in large saucepan. Boil.
4. Mix the rest of the ingredients into saucepan. Continue boiling.
5. Bottle into sterilised jars.

INGREDIENTS:

• 500 grams red chillies
• 500 grams capers
• 500 millilitres lemon juice
• 100 grams preserved lemons
• 1 kilo mango cubes
• 1 kilo raspberries
• 500 millilitres sweet chilli sauce
• 250 millilitres vodka
• 1 kilo sugar

METHOD:

1. Slice up mango like you usually do. Slice chillies thinly. Slice preserved lemons thinly.
2. Mix lemon juice, sweet chilli sauce and vodka. Boil.
3. Mix sugar, capers, mango, chillies, preserved lemon and raspberries. Stir.
4. Mix sugar and fruit mixture with sweet chilli sauce mixture. Continue boiling.
5. Bottle into sterilised jars.

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 zucchinis
• 1 eggplant
• 3 tomatoes
• 1 capsicum
• 2 handfuls chopped basil leaves
• 1 bottle (750 millilitres) white wine
• 1 bottle red wine

METHOD

1. Quarter zucchinis lengthways and chop into one centimetre pieces.
2. Chop the eggplant into 1 centimetre cubes.
3. Chop the tomatoes into 1 centimetre cubes.
4. Chop the capsicum into 1-inch long pieces.
5. Combine all ingredients in large pot and boil.
6. Bottle in sterilised jars.

Great on toast.

This recipe is great for parties!

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 kilo Dorset Naga chillies
• 3 1/2 green chillies
• 1 kilo small apricots, pitted
• 1 kilo white seedless grapes
• 500 millilitres honey
• 1 kilo sugar
• 500 millilitres sweet chilli sauce
• 250 millilitres soy sauce
• 1 litre vodka
• Bottle of white wine
• 100 millilitres Malibu

METHOD:

1. Chop chillies into 5mm sections. Wear gloves while chopping red chillies.
2. Peel grapes and apricots. Mix chopped chillies, grapes, apricots and sugar in large bowl.
3. Mix wine, Malibu, vodka, soy sauce, sweet chilli sauce, and honey in large pot. Boil.
4. Add fruit and sugar to pot. Continue boiling.
5. Put in sterilised jars and put lids on.

Serve on toast, crackers, pancakes or crepes.

VARIATIONS:

• Try doubling the chilli, vodka, chilli sauce, soy sauce, wine or Malibu. Or try all of them!
• Use Naga Jolokia chillies instead of Dorset Nagas for a real hit!
• Half the amount of chilli and alcohol for a milder jam.
• Using milder chillies is recommended.

LEGAL NOTE: This blog should not be taken seriously as recipes may cause serious illness or death. They have not been tested and should not be made. This blog is intended as a humourous site only.

Can’t get enough of our recipes? Then try this!

INGREDIENTS:

• 500 grams of Pesto
• 500 grams of Spaghetti
• 50 handfuls chopped basil leaves
• 1 litre olive oil
• Salt
• 1 kilogram grated parmesan cheese
• Parmesan cheese, extra

METHOD:

1. Cook spaghetti according to directions on packet. When cooked, drain pasta and lay on chopping board. Chop pasta into inch-long strips.
2. Mix pasta, pesto, basil leaves, olive oil, parmesan, salt, and gelatine, and boil until jelly-like.
3. Tip into large bowl and mash up. Put into (sterilised!) jars and put lid on.
4. Leave in your pantry for a decade or two. Bring out for a special occasion. Serve on warm toast. Also great on crepes or pancakes. Remember to top with extra parmesan!

Enjoy!

NOTE: How To Make Jam, Inc, cannot be made responsible for any illness or death after eating, making or reading this jam recipe.

Hello anybody that actually bothered to read this.

Well if you are looking for information on how to actually make jam, we suggest you look somewhere else.

We have no idea in hell how to make jam. I guess you just get some fruit and sugar and mash it all together, then keep it in your cupboard for a couple of years. Yep, that should do it.

OR, try boiling fruit, sugar and gelatine. Then put it in a jar. Then throw it away in 10 years when you find it at the back of your pantry.

OR, just go to the supermarket and buy something named ‘Jam’. It is the easy, mess free, disaster free option that people without a ‘jam degree’ should probably go for.

OR, if you like us enough(aaaw thanks for reading up to this point!) you could attempt one of our recipes!

Recipe #1: Avocado and Cherry

Why don’t you try some new combinations like this one for example?

Ingredients:

1 unripe avocado

100 grams of sour cherries

Vodka

Sugar(or salt, whatever you prefer)

Gelatine(you could also use vaseline, it has the same effect)

Method:

1. You will find that the avocado you have chosen is extremely hard. A good and easy way to soften it, is to place it in your drive way and run over it with your car. If you do not have a car, you could always stomp on it for a while. However, be aware that it may take longer this way.

2. Soak the cherries(with the pips in and stalks on) in a bowl of Vodka, and place them in the freezer for half an hour.

3. Grab the gelatine and squish it with your hands. Place it into a bowl with the avocado(don’t remove the skin, it adds to the texture) and again, mould it all together with your hands.

4. Take the cherries out of the freezer and place them in the bowl with the avocado and gelatine. Add 5kg of sugar or salt and place the bowl in the microwave for 1 minute.

5. Take the bowl out of the microwave, and scoop the mixture into a jar. If you would like to give the jam to somebody as a gift, and want to add a touch of your self to the jam just mix in a lock of your hair, some blood or perhaps a toenail(don’t worry it only adds to the texture).

6. To make your jam jar look fantastic, place a cloth of your choice on the top before you put on the lid.

(Make sure you always sterilize the jar before you put in the jam! We don’t want anybody getting sick, do we?)

7. Then simply grab the jar, and place it in the back of your pantry for about 5 years.

NOTE: Please make sure you make the jam at least 5 years in advance.  

Thank you! Please return to this blog, for some of our new recipes!

Happy jam making!

NOTE: Please remember we will not be responsible for any sudden illnesses or deaths.